Harold stood up, snapped his briefcase shut dramatically, tossed his coat over his arm and gestured to his legal team. “We’re leaving. This is over.” He turned and marched purposefully toward the conference room door, leaving his attorneys scrambling to gather their papers and catch up.
“Hmmm,” I said. “I’m not sure of the best thing to say right now, Harold…Oh – no – I do know what to say.”
I had been mediating Harold and Emma’s (not their real names) pricey estate dispute all morning and now into the afternoon. The siblings, each in their early 70s, started several hundred thousand dollars apart in their opening demands and had made tremendous progress. Both were lovely to work with – and completely stuck in their negotiations over who would inherit what percent of their father’s estate.
Lovely except for their almost comically frequent use of the F-bomb. Two refined, well-educated, generally pleasant adults tossing out the F-word and other choice expletives like truck drivers.
It was the last $5,000 dividing them that proved the hardest, and, it appeared, the downfall of the mediation’s almost-success. We’d spent an hour on that $5K, a pittance in the grand scheme of the money they were discussing, but powerfully symbolic nonetheless.
We’d patiently worked through the decade of frustration and anger over the way one felt burdened by caring for Dad and the other felt cut out of decisionmaking during those 10 last years. We’d talked over what had happened, and more importantly, what they wanted to happen in their relationship for the remaining decade(s) of their own lives. Those discussions had dramatically changed the money argument and brought them within $5,000 of resolving their legal case.
Each felt the other ought to pony up that last $5K, as a symbolic gesture of good will. Harold, it seemed, had just reached his end point, and suddenly he was up and striding toward the door. It looked like all their good work and desire to begin healing their fractured relationship was about to fall apart.
“Oh – no – I do know what to say,” I said calmly. Harold paused at the door, his hand on the nob, his back to those of us still at the table.
“Harold, are you out of your effing mind?” I asked loudly. Except…I didn’t say “effing.”
Harold’s hand remained on the knob. His sister’s eyes widened…the mediator had just said the F-word? Did she hear that right? The attorneys stopped shuffling papers and the room grew silent.
Harold turned slowly around. I prepared myself for a tongue-lashing.
He was grinning from ear to ear. “You’re right,” he said, “I am out of my mind.” He looked at his sister. “Split the difference and make it to the tapas bar in time for dinner?” She nodded her agreement.
People ask me all the time what mediators do that makes the difference. Here are two to add to the list: Speak the language of our clients and bravely name out loud the thing no one else is willing to.
Conflict Zen® by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConfictZen.Lenski.com.
Tammy, that is an effing great story. That really is a riot.
Great job.
Stuart
Hah, Stuart — great, funny response!
Loved this one, Tammy! Well done! I agree. We need to speak our client's language and get right to the heart of the matter. That's what they pay us for. Thanks for a great story.
Thanks for taking the time to let me know, Nancy! It was fun to recall those two and how really lovely — and surprising — they were to work with.
Oh Tammy! My sides ache from laughter and my video mind has created a vivid scene of you all. What a really great story! I hope you gave yourself an effing great pat on the back – just for a second!
On a slightly more serious note: We teach new mediators to mirror and match language as part of the rapport building process and to be themselves at the same time (congruity). Your example shows how finely tuned that skill has to be in order to be effective. And I think it is a wonderful example of the difference between competence (baseline standards) and effectiveness.
Tammy:
Great story! It goes to show that sometimes when people act like children, a good swat on the bottom works wonders!
John
Tammy, along a similar line, I had a really wealthy, retired international industrialist as a construction customer. The first project was some years ago. Powerful guy in business, used to getting his way and producing results. We were on the phone LATE one night about the project, and he got just too arrogant with me over a particular item I was trying to locate for him. I finally said something like, "You know, most of the time I think I'm cooperative and a pretty nice guy unless someone steps over my line. You just stepped over my line. it is almost ten o'clock. I am exhausted. I am working my butt off for you. I will find this product for you, and I will get your freaking project done on time." After that he became my friend, and he still is years later, and I did many more projects for him.
It was a lesson to me about it being more than okay sometimes to just speak the raw truth, in semi-raw fashion, I did not expect the result I got with him. He held me with new respect.
Stuart
Amanda, you make a good point about how fine the line is sometimes between being yourself while in the mediator's chair and also working in congruity with your clients. Thanks for teasing that out more clearly from my story!
John, I don't see my clients as childish, actually. I think every one of has our bad moments — you and me, included — and I don't think we want to be treated as though we're children even in those moments. We want to be given an opportunity to get our balance (and best behavior) back on our own — that's what I think really good mediators do, without needing to "tsk tsk tsk." So, I wasn't trying to give Harold a swat on the behind, but I was trying to stop him before he was gone so he could make sure that was the thing he really wanted to do.
Stuart, raw truth, said without attack, is a really important gift we give our clients, our friends, our loved ones. By saying what you did to your customer, you reminded him of your humanity. It's a great story!
Tammy, loved what you said about, "We want to be given an opportunity to get our balance (and our best behavior) back on our own." What a lovely, powerful way to hold this.
Thanks,
Stuart
Looks like there'll be no mediating or truck driving in the Golden State during the first week of March! http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/2010/feb/25/ca…
Great story. But you were bilingual, too. If you had been limited to the language of your clients, your use of the F word would not have caused such a pregnant moment. Through you, and through your different perspective, they had opportunity to see their dispute and to see themselves in better way. I think of it as lifting the participants from a two dimensional to a three dimensional perspective, providing a process and a vision that helps them get through a swamp of conflict. I wrote a very different blog entry on my own blog, but similar in this sense. http://t.co/WnB8UD5