“I would love to be a fly on the wall of a real mediation.”
Seasoned mediators and mediation trainers hear this understandable request frequently. So has mediator and trainer Sandi Adams, who says, “I have heard many newly trained or beginning mediators ask to observe or listen to ‘a real mediation’ so they might get a better understanding of what exactly the mediator does and says to assist parties in a session. ‘How do you learn mediator-speak?’ they ask.”
Opportunities to observe seasoned mediators are rare for many fledgling mediators, so in 1998, Adams compiled a concise book of examples from her own years of practice – examples of what a mediator might say in each stage of the mediation, in response to typical dilemmas and needs in a session, in response to tricky moments, and to do our work of supporting the parties, helping them negotiate, and attending to the process.
What the Fly Heard: What Mediators Say Behind Closed Doors is meant as a supplement to mediation training and and training manuals, and I’ve handed it out for many years in my own mediation trainings. While not presently available in print format, Sandi has graciously agreed to allow me to sell a scanned digital version of her book, for which she retains copyright.
The book has nine chapters with examples of mediator language that’s helpful – and language to avoid:
- Listening in on the Mediator’s Opening Statement
- Things Mediators Say to Clarify Information and Parties’ Interests
- Flies in the Ointment – Sticky Comments to Avoid
- Eavesdropping on Issue Checklist and Agenda Setting
- Mediator-Speak During the Negotiation Stage
- You Could Get Burnt – Don’t Fly Near These
- Say What? Finalizing Any Agreements and Agreement Writing
- Closing Statement Statements
- Flypaper – Don’t Get Caught in These Traps
About the author
Sandi Adams, MSCM, has been working in the field of conflict resolution since 1982. Her work includes providing direct services of mediation, facilitation, conflict coaching, and conflict resolution, mediation, negotiation, and facilitation trainings. She is also an ADR Advisor for FEMA, and is on the roster for mediating ADA complaint cases.
Previously, she was director of the Mediation Training Program at Woodbury College in Montpelier, VT and Friends Conflict Resolution Services in Philadelphia, PA, and taught at University of North Carolina-Wilmington. She holds an M.S. in Conflict Management from George Mason University, has been an associate editor of Peacemaking in Your Neighborhood: Mediator’s Handbook, 2nd ed., and has published articles in a number of journals and magazines.
If you’re interested in speaking with Sandi about her book and/or services, her contact information is contained in the book.