The secret good mediators know about listening
23 November 2007
Thanks to these readers for getting the conversation started...
Links from other posts and sites...
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[...] 3. Are you listening with your answer running? [...]
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[...] I’ve talked here before about the mistake of certainty, the danger of reflexive loops in relationships, the importance of suspending your disbelief during conflict conversations, and the secret good mediators know about staying curious. [...]
You're absolutely right Tammy. Good mediators, heck good listeners, must be intensely curious about the folks that are talking to (or should I say listening to) in order to be successful. Great point, and cool napkin graphic!
Hey there, Phil! I was just reading some of "A Left-Hand Turn Around the World," and the author mentioned the connection between certainty and zealotry. I think, in some ways, stuck conflict is like a temporary form of zealotry. Curiosity can be hard to come by when we're feeling certain, but it's a good balm when we can find it.
Hi Tammy
Nice and succinct. For me, the point about listening is that we are there to assist the other in understanding themselves more than for us to understand in detail what they are in dispute about. We can never truly know what it is like for them, but we can assist them in coming to terms with their own thoughts and feelings by truly listening, without our answers running as you put it, letting go of our need to fill in their blanks and come up with a solution for them. Just listening, simply listening.
Alan Sharlands last blog post..That we speak but not too often or for too long
Hi, Alan – Your comment reminded me of how often, when I'm training new mediators, I have to discourage them from trying to fact-find every detail. As you pointed out, we don't need to know all the details when our job isn't to come up with the solutions, but instead to help the disagreement and negotiation to unfold in new, more effective ways that lead to solutions unnoticed and undiscovered before.
Reminds me of another post I wrote a while back: Giving Advice is a Problem-Solving Crutch
Thanks for stopping in!
Thank you for the reminder Tammy. When you are sitting there with the mediators tool kit propped open it is really easy to hear things in terms of the solutions you have in the box.