Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether or not your adversary is as interested in working things out as you are.
A while back I mediated a workplace dispute between two women who had been friends for many years, worked in the same office, and had a falling out resulting in a strained, unpleasant atmosphere for co-workers and visitors to the office. Their boss had asked me to help sort out the state of relationship conflict between them.
One of the women (I’ll call her Lorraine) was eager to get my help, the other (I’ll call her Nicole) as reticent as can be. So reticent, in fact, that I wasn’t positive she’d show up for the mediation.
The morning of the mediation, Lorraine showed up bright and early, nervous but eager to talk things through with her former friend. With five minutes to go before the designated start time, still no Nicole. One minute…no Nicole. Five minutes after the start time, no Nicole.
Ten minutes into the designated time, Nicole appeared. Everything about her demeanor suggested she really didn’t want to be there. She made little eye contact with me and none with Lorraine. She sat hunched unhappily at the table, doodling on the pad of paper I’d supplied. Her verbal contributions were of the monosyllabic variety.
I checked in with her privately to make sure she wanted to proceed. Even when a boss wants it, mediation is voluntary and the kind of untangling needed here required two willing participants. She assured me she was willing to be there even while she was still unhappy about finding herself in such a sour situation. We returned to the mediation table.
Ten more minutes of Lorraine’s eagerness and Nicole’s reticence and I was beginning to wonder what more I could do to unlock the one-sided conversation.
Then my eyes locked on Nicole’s doodles. All over the pad of paper were large and small variations of a single symbol. A symbol that said in abundance what she had yet been unable to say with words or body language:
Photo credit: Zol87
The morning ended with one of those moments every mediator loves: Nicole and Lorraine hugging and headed out to the local pub for one of their traditional – but recently avoided – post-work drinks together.
Sometimes, people want to sort things out or reconcile with every fiber of their being, but they don’t show it. Maybe they’re protecting themselves from the risk of more pain. Maybe they don’t believe anything can really be done. Maybe they haven’t yet found the words to convey what’s in their heart of hearts.
Be careful not to judge someone’s interest in resolution by the attitude they project.
Conflict Zen® by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConfictZen.Lenski.com.
This is lovely, Tammy– but what happened to turn things around? How was the transition made from reticence to participation?
I didn't go into it because it isn't germane to the story I'm telling here, Rina. Once I knew she really did want to be there, I could let go of trying to figure out her intentions and simply work on the problem between them — from there it was simply good mediation work.
This is a great story, Tammy.
Years ago when I was an addictions counselor, I was sent a totally uncooperative and antagonistic client through the court system. After a while I got sick of his garbage and total lack of cooperation, so I started writing my report, which was not complimentary to him. He kept talking, then stopped and grabbed my report. As he read it, it was like his whole balloon was deflated. In a small voice he asked, "Am I really like this?" I quietly said "Yes, you are". Then he said, "What do you want me to do?", and he went off for 8 weeks of treatment, and did really well! You never know.
Stuart Baker
You're right, Stuart — you never know. Clients don't share everything about themselves, what they're thinking and what they're feeling with us, even when they trust us fully — heck, our partners and spouses don't either, nor we with them, so it's a great reminder that the most we're working with at any moment is a hunch until the person tells us otherwise.
Love your story — you held a mirror up to that gentleman right at the moment he was ready and able to look into it.
Thanks, Tammy. I always try to get people relaxed. Sometimes you can see them physically just drop the barriers. Ken Cloke taught me some important things about looking for deep, silent connections in the right situations, and sometimes the right moments come as shockers! My addictions client in that story, to my surprise, turned out to be incredibly ready for unintentional, quiet yet brutal honesty. It taught me a lot about being blunt without any malice. I tell my sometime-mediation partner that he is a master at delivering tough honesty in a non-threatening way.
Stuart