I described this scene to a group of HR managers at a recent seminar: The woman was screaming and yelling at the top of her lungs. Cursing a blue streak. Waving her arms wildly. And it was me she was addressing as we stood together on the sidewalk of a small town during evening drivetime. I still remember the faces of driver after driver slowing down to watch the spectacle as they passed. And wondering how long I had before someone called the police. About twelve years ago I agreed to mediate … [Read more...]
Phil Gerbyshak’s 90-second relationship rule
31 August 2011
My husband and I have shorthand for communicating about how my day went when I walk through the door in the evening. Since my work is confidential, there's virtually nothing I can tell him about my day with clients. So he asks, "Is it a wine night? Or...a whiskey night?" Most of the time the question brings a chuckle and an answer, even when I want nothing to drink. It answers the question without answering the question, you know? But sometimes when I walk through the door at the end of the … [Read more...]
Think you remember what really happened? Not so fast
23 August 2011
Where were you on 9/11? What were you doing when you heard the news? What did you do immediately after? Are you sure? If you're like most, particularly those of us in the U.S., you have a detailed memory of those moments, referred to as "flashbulb memories" because the memory is as vivid as a photograph. I certainly do. And it feels very accurate. I was sitting in my office doing paperwork and a colleague came to the door. "I just heard that a plane hit the World Trade Center," he said. … [Read more...]
How great conflict resolution is like great art
16 August 2011
"Great art is clear thinking about mixed feelings." Celebrated film director Mike Nichols said this on Sunday while lauding playwright and MacDowell Medal winner Edward Albee at the MacDowell Colony's annual Medal Day. There was a murmur around me as he said these words, spectators and artists looking at each other and nodding...the statement felt right on the tongue and in the heart. And I thought: That's true about conflict resolution, too. Great conflict resolution is clear thinking … [Read more...]
What will you do to make peace on September 21?
12 August 2011
Jeremy Gilley has a powerful idea: Persuade everyone in the world to live in peace for just a single day, every September 21. Everyone, you and me included. Watch this energetic 15-minute video of Jeremy telling his story at TED – including how he got the Taliban's commitment to the day, then scroll down for some of my ideas about ways you and I can participate in a real way in your own day-to-day life. [Can't see the video in your email? Click here to go directly to the video … [Read more...]
A lesson in compassion from a most annoying woman
3 August 2011
A few months ago a woman I didn't care much for taught me a powerful lesson in compassion. She and I were in an all-day meeting together, both participants in a group of about twenty. I also found us at the same table at lunch, despite my attempt to avoid her. Her pattern of behavior throughout the day was steadfast: She steered most conversation threads back to herself, repeatedly hijacking conversations to talk about herself. Once she had command of the conversation, she worked hard to keep … [Read more...]
Dealing with anger at work: Co-workers and bosses hold the key to transforming anger
27 July 2011
The key to dealing with anger at work is a supportive, compassionate response instead of sanctions, references to codes of conduct, or ignoring it, according to recently published research by two Temple University and University of Baltimore professors. "Business codes of conduct are often about what we shouldn't do as an angry employee in emotional episodes, while few, if any, tend to address our role as observers of emotional episodes," say the co-authors of The Trouble with Sanctions: … [Read more...]
How starting the negotiation is like ziplining
21 July 2011
Yesterday, my husband and I traversed burma bridges and climbed ladders to reach a narrow platform high up in a huge white pine, known as "White Knucke Pine." Perfect name, believe me. It was the last element in a zipline canopy tour we took in the White Mountains and it was the scariest of all the ziplines. As I stood on the edge of the platform and looked at the very steep drop of the cable before it crossed to the other mountainside, the screams of the people who'd jumped off before me … [Read more...]
Keep your balance in interpersonal conflict with the “ok right now” mini-meditation
12 July 2011
"To keep our ancestors alive, the brain evolved strong tendencies toward fear, including an ongoing internal trickle of unease," notes neuropsychologist Dr. Rick Hanson. "This little whisper of worry keeps you scanning your inner and outer worlds for signs of trouble." Hanson says that our brains' default setting is great for surviving in the wild, but a crummy way to live day to day because it feeds anxiety, wears down well-being, and makes us act based on fear instead of strength. I'd add … [Read more...]
The great breadcrumb battle finally brought to its knees
6 July 2011
"When you scatter crumbs all over a floor I finished vacuuming not five minutes ago, it conveys you're disregarding or devaluing the work I've done." A version of that sentence has come out of my mouth for 23 years. I call it the Breadcrumb Battle. Somehow, my husband butters his toast in such a way that breadcrumbs scatter in a delicate pattern around his feet. I've watched him over the years, trying to figure out why my bread buttering and his yield such different crumb results. Sometimes … [Read more...]
