In How to Let Go of Unresolved Conflict, I shared this Bill Clinton story about Nelson Mandela:
“Mandela made a grand, elegant, dignified exit from prison and it was very, very powerful for the world to see. But as I watched him walking down that dusty road, I wondered whether he was thinking about the last 27 years, whether he was angry all over again. Later, many years later, I had a chance to ask him. I said, ‘Come on, you were a great man, you invited your jailers to your inauguration, you put your pressures on the government. But tell me the truth. Weren’t you really angry all over again?’ And he said, ‘Yes, I was angry. And I was a little afraid. After all I’ve not been free in so long. But,’ he said, ‘when I felt that anger well up inside of me I realized that if I hated them after I got outside that gate then they would still have me.’ And he smiled and said, ‘I wanted to be free so I let it go.’ It was an astonishing moment in my life. It changed me.”
If I hated them after I got outside that gate then they would still have me.
That has to be one of the most powerful comments ever made about the act of forgiveness and the true freedom it offers.
If you’re still carrying anger or resentment about a past conflict with you, or are good at holding grudges but not letting them go, then you might appreciate a recent Mayo Clinic article. In Forgiveness: How to Let Go of Grudges and Bitterness, Mayo Clinic chaplain Dr. Katherine Piderman offers the following benefits of forgiving, found in recent research:
- Lower blood pressure
- Stress reduction
- Less hostility
- Better anger management skills
- Lower heart rate
- Lower risk of alcohol or substance abuse
- Fewer depression symptoms
- Fewer anxiety symptoms
- Reduction in chronic pain
- More friendships
- Healthier relationships
- Greater religious or spiritual well-being
- Improved psychological well-being
The article goes on to answer questions like, What if I’m the one who needs forgiveness? Doesn’t forgiving someone mean you’re forgetting or condoning what happened? How do I know it’s time to try to embrace forgiveness? What if the person I’m forgiving doesn’t change?
I am looking for reasons to forgive AND reasons to hang on to your anger. My abuse started at Age 2 and continued for life. I need to forgive at least the two most influential people in my life.
Do any of you know the way to forgive and can you tell me whay I have held on to the anger
Hi, Jane –
What you describe must plumb the very depth of your being, I imagine.
One resource that comes immediately to mind is Laura Davis' book, "I Thought We'd Never Speak Again." Most reasonably sized bookstores probably have copies in stock. She takes readers on the kind of journey you're asking about and I hope it's of some help to you.
This has got to be the most rediculous advice ever. Our whole society is based on the principle of revenge. We call it "justice" so it doesn't sound as mean an dirty, but bottom line is that we spend copios amounts of time and money to enforce accountability for people's actions. Letting go for the sake of achieving inner piece will leave you as a prime target for beign victimized throughout your whole life. Even if you do manage to pull a Mandela and "let go", sure, they do not have you any more, but they still had you for 27 YEARS!!! The score is still jailers – 27, Mandela – 0. He hasn't done a sinlge thing to make sure they regret what they've done, or that they think twice before doing it again. If they could get away with it (let's say another reighn of Aparthaid comes around for another 27 years), these people would still lock up some poor sap and torture him for another 27 years.
Forgiveness seems like a form of giving up, because your oponent beat you and you're ultimately surrendering. I don't see how that can be a positive thing in anyone's life, let alone relieve a person of stress and depression. I personally get way more depressed when I let someone off the hook for something they're guilty of.
I know this thread is old, but I just wanted to throw this in:
Jun, Forgiveness is not about erasing the past, or forgetting what has happened to you or your loved ones, or seeing some injustice go unmet. It is not about showing the other side (ie the ones who have hurt us) how weak or strong you appear, or attempting to get them to change their ways or make them feel guilty.
This is about the self, the person, It is simply about, letting go, letting go of anger, letting go of pain, attempting to move to a better place in your heart, mind and spirit.
Of course no one says its easy nor can we all achieve it, I feel that some things may simply just be too much for some people to come to terms with, but the trying in itself actually allows us to change and move forward even if only a little.
As for Mr Mandela, should he have held on the pain and torture he endured of those 27 years? And spend the rest of his life pursuing them to justice, a justice that may never come? hating them? Despising the system that failed him and his fellow countrymen? Allowing this hatred and anger to spill over into all he does? Into all the people he is around daily?
Or would you advise that he try to move on somehow, and spend as much time as he has with his family and friends, pursuing as much of a normal life as he can muster, this can only truly be achieved by forgiving as much as he can allow, to give himself a chance to feel something other than hate and anger.
He has turned his existence into something more useful than spouting vitriol about the regime that abused his humanity by showing people that there is hope and that even after all they did to him, he still has the strength to bring some grace to his actions and this is far more inspirational than being told that X number of people have been sent to prison or executed for their part in the captivity or the regime that brought it about.
You must surely realise deep down, that to make such a move, requires far more strength of character than to simply burst out and punish those that have truly wronged you/us, as you must also surely realise that revenge is not justice,, in any shape or form, it is simply un-metered retribution, that in the end creates more hatred and chaos.
Ah, Jun, you need my blog and its content more than you'll probably ever realize. Be well, my friend.
Thats a terribly condescending reply, whatever your thoughts are about what the writer is expressing. It's almost comical that you'd respond like that!
Thanks for the feedback, Rosa.
I disagree Rosa – as a reader of this thread – before I even saw Tammy's response (which you call condescending) I said to myself "this guy needs a lesson in forgiveness more than anyone." It was an honest response. If this person is serious and isn't spamming then it is safe to say that he is angry and could use a little help in forgiveness.
Thank you for this article. I had been trying to find it in myself to forgive and move on; toward people that have hurt me, infuriated me and even forgiving myself for allowing such a draining emotion like anger and resentment to mainfest itself in my heart. I will be reading through your blog more often now
Enjoy today!
Danielle — I will enjoy today and it's brighter for your comment! You have no idea how wonderful it is when I hear from a a reader that something I wrote here has resonated with them. Happy Thanksgiving to you.
Thank you for this post. I am about to move across the country and I want to leave the negativity of the place that I'm leaving behind me. I will be keeping this post and the wisdom of Mandela at the forefront of my mind over the next few days, and I', totally bookmarking your blog. Thank you!
Tammy & Friends:
Here's our latest project to help relieve suffering in our world. Help if you can. Thanks.
Please forgive our enthusiasm if you have already received this email…or if you have already pledged
Philip Toy and I are thrilled to share TV producer Cinnamon Kennedy’s beautiful video of our project, Murder as a Call to Love, the Zen of Forgiveness, the book. And we’re gratified that
<a href="http://www.Kickstarter.com” target=”_blank”>www.Kickstarter.com saw fit to promote our idea. We’re inviting everyone to join us to be a part of this project, to help us publish my story of how three murders in my family led me to Zen and the gentle teachings of our dear teacher, Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, which will be our second book through Cloud Cottage Editions. And we’ve cooked up some nifty Rewards for people who pledge anything from $5 to $1000 or more, so everyone can participate.
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While the video focuses on the pivotal event of the murders, the book itself focuses on my deeply personal story of how I grew up, came to Zen and the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh, and finally came to forgive the murderer. It focuses on how a Western woman raised as a Methodist in the Eisenhower era experienced huge changes. And it tells the story of our years of working with prisoners, some of whom knew the boy who murdered my family members.
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Judith Toy
Cloud Cottage Community of Mindful Living
–freedom, simplicity, harmony–
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PO Box 652, Black Mountain, NC 28711 USA
828-669-0920
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cloudcottage@bellsouth.net
I have held on to so much anger, bitterness, and frustration for over 25 years that I believe it is now taking a serious tool on my mind, body, and soul. I keep all my emotions hidden deep inside, controlled inside but it is becoming much more difficult to do. I am afraid I will crack soon. I've read a lot about forgiving and letting go and my mind understands the concept but I can't get my hear to accept the logic.
Daniella, it sounds like bitterness is eating you from the inside out. I encourage you to find a professional who can help you figure out how to move on and enjoy your life from here forward without the bitterness ruining your future, too.
Tammy,
I have been battling depression off and on since HS. I am looking inward
now to see why I go into this depression off and on. I have some deep
anger and resentment that I feel toward a sibling who caused me much
emotional pain growing up and destroyed my self-confidence and feeling
of worth. I read the article "letting go…" and the Mayo Article.. I
feel my anger has led me to this point that they refer to;
"If you're unforgiving, you may pay the price repeatedly by bringing
anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience. Your
life may become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the
present. You may become depressed or anxious. You may feel that your
life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you're at odds with your
spiritual beliefs. You may lose valuable and enriching connectedness
with others."
I have been working on letting go. Asking God to take my anger and pain,
trying to build a better relationship with her. Though every time I
leave from seeing her or talking. The anger comes back, the pain, then
depression. The depression then effects all my relationships with other
family, my boyfriend, friends.
Are there some small steps I can take to work my way up to letting go? Any advice?
Thanks
Hi, SP –
It sounds like you've been on quite a journey and are working hard to untangle the knots inside you. Hard work that — but you sound strong and determined, which work in your favor.
I'm always cautious about giving direct advice to folks I don't know and who are not clients, because without a professional relationship I could steer you wrong and anything I could say might be so general as to be of little help.
But as I read your note, one idea came to mind. Have you heard of the paperback book "I Thought We'd Never Speak Again" by Laura Davis? I've recommended it to others here and there over the years and a number of folks have told me they've found it a helpful read.
Warm wishes for a better future!