I’ve been staring at this post for several hours, trying to decide whether or not to put it up for your reading. Since you’re seeing this, you know my decision.
I’ve been hesitating because the rawness of the most recent school shooting still hovers in the air. The horror and sadness are palpable, not just for those in Lancaster County, PA, but for a nation that’s beginning to comprehend that vengeance, bullying, and social dissaffection are having violent consequences beyond what we can ever control with school resource officers and metal detectors.
I’ve been hesitating because I know that what I wrote below will be uncomfortable for some of you. Maybe even make you angry. I don’t usually hesitate to speak my truth but find myself doing so this time, as I search for the right words to convey myself in a way that can reach your heart before resistance sets in.
I’m not the first person to notice the frequency with which friends and neighbors of killers have said, as someone just did on CNN, “He was so mild mannered” or “He seemed so nice, not the kind of person who would do something like this.”
What is the kind of person who would do something like this? A person like you and me.
This is not to say that there are no psychologically aberrant individuals. But it is to say that we all carry the capacity to go over the edge. Most of us don’t. A few of us do.
We make ourselves feel better by separating ourselves from the people who went over the edge. We say, he was nice, but there must have been something terribly wrong with him that I didn’t notice. I must have been living next door to a monster in disguise. Thank goodness my loved ones aren’t like that.
By separating ourselves from the people who went over the edge, we make ourselves feel better, but we do little to address some of the fundamental problems that contributed (perhaps not caused, but contributed) to their unraveling.
By separating ourselves, we put the responsibility to “fix it” on people whose job it is to manage those we’ve labeled aberrant. People like law enforcement officers, school superintendents, and psychiatrists.
By separating ourselves, we allow ourselves the luxury of not being responsible for what it may really take to address the problem of violence by people who have been shoved aside, disenfranchised or bullied. We permit ourselves freedom we can afford less and less with each new school shooting. Or workplace shooting. Or neighbor-on-neighbor violence.
The hard and courageous act may be the one where we stop separating ourselves to create false comfort in our lives. The act where we say to ourselves and those around us, there, but for the grace of my particular God, go I. The act where we say, what can we do to build more school, home and work environments where children and adults learn to stop dismissing and separating ourselves from those who are different or act differently, where real dialogue is valued, and where another metal detector doesn’t become the latest temporary Band-Aid. The act where we say, how can I better hear the cries of people before they go over the edge, the cries of the equal humans next door?
Joining you in our national grief,
Tammy
Hello Tammy,
This is one of the most well thought out and honest to goodness posts I've read for a while.
I love the second, third and fourth last paragraphs. Beautifully written. I agree that this post might not sit well with many, but it opens our hearts (if we allow it) to really question our "motive" in relation with others.
Thanks for stopping by, Renee. I've gotten tons of email about this post and many others have told me how moving they found it to be. Now our challenge is to take action on what moves us, I guess. Best to you,
Tammy
I was a little surprised to see a post like this from such an educated person.
Your whole blog I think deals with real life solutions to real life problems. But in this post you give us this fairytale solution to a very real problem. I have many issues with your post but I'll just address what I think to be the most obvious.
1. You seem to be blaming society for these people actions. What happened to taking responsibility for ones own action? Aren't we responsible for our own actions? Are we really allowed to blame our poor behavior on what our mother did to us when we were 6? Should we have sympathy for Mark Foley because he says he was abused by a priest? Does that excuse a 50 year old man from sending dirty emails to teens?
2. Do you believe there are organic reasons why people may do what they do? Don't you believe in mental illness? How exactly would creating a more understanding environment in school help a 35 year old mentally ill woman who should be medicated?
3 Don't you think some people are simply and purely Evil? I can tell you from my life experiences that there are people like that. Are you telling us that in your vast life you've never met anyone who was evil?
Please don't dismiss this comment as just being a disgruntled reader. I'm very interested in your opinion.
Ah, Roy, glad to keep you guessing!
Except for the needless potshot about my education and/or intelligence, which almost alienated me before you even had a chance to make your point, your comment is a thoughtful and compelling one. While I suspect you and I disagree ideologically in several ways, I imagine you'll agree with this: It's not an "either/or" situation. Like most complex issues, it's more likely a "both/and" one. That's why I think such situations defy simple answers and why I felt compelled to raise a hard question in the article. I believe you and I both raise important factors for consideration in any dialogue on this troubling topic.
If you're interested in some real dialogue about this, I have an idea I'd like to share with you. If it's debate you want, I'll bow out, because there are plenty of other places people can go to find debate that would only be replicated here to no new end. Personally, I think the answer will come from genuine dialogue and I know, from other comment(s) you've left on posts of mine, that your voice would be a good one for that kind of conversation. Interested? Leave me a follow-up comment or use the Contact link above!
Thanks for taking the time, Roy. If we all take the time like you did we might just gain some ground on school violence.
Those of us who stand up to be counted also stand up to be shot at. And perhaps that is a measure of our courage and our character. Good for you! Complex problems never were solved by those who played it safe.
My interpretation of your post is not that you absolve the perpetrators of responsibility, but that you ask us to ask ourselves what 2% or 10% or x% (name your number) is ours to change. A useful question in most circumstances.
Amen @Ali Farquhar. You covered my thoughts perfectly.
Ali and Chris, thank you SO much for these comments. Ali, you’ve said it well, better than I did.