“Our memories are not designed to provide a truthful readout of the events of our lives. Memory is designed to help us act in the future.”
I read this quote in a Psychology Today article about how observing actions influences our memory of those actions. It sums up beautifully the way we can use and misuse our memory of a conflict conversation.
Stop thinking of your memory as an accurate readout of what happened in the conflict – using memory this way is a sure way to get you more stuck (see my articles here and here and here for reasons why). Short of a recording of the conflict conversation you remember, the “truth” and “what really happened” are unknowable – your truth is the narrative your mind created from the experience.
Instead, use your memories of the conflict to create a different future. That’s where the power is. That’s where the relief is.
Yes, I agree Tammy… at the personal level, letting go of the thought that you'll ever know what really happened can be so powerful (although difficult – as most divorcing couples know). Yet, I wonder how what really happened being unknowable plays out in national 'truth and reconciliation commissions' where people are given opportunity to tell their story about what really happened? Is not this collective "what really happened" the foundation for moving forward?
Yes, Ben, it does. A collective "what really happened" is a substantially different thing from a single one. I'd also classify truth and reconciliation commissions as a future-focused activity — here's what happened and here's how we're moving forward. In most arguments, however, the gerbil wheel of what really happened gets stuck on whose version is right or wrong — and that's what I'm writing about here.