Conflict zen newsletter, july 2008

Hugh Prather’s on my mind.

I haven’t thought of Hugh Prather for two decades, but he’s come up twice this week. I was chatting with Liz Strauss and she mentioned his work. When she said his name, it took me a moment to recollect who he was.

That very afternoon, as I packed books from my college years (for our upcoming move one town over), I was startled to find a dog-eared copy of Prather’s Notes to Myself: My Struggle to Become a Person. It had been sandwiched between two larger books on the top shelf of a very tall bookcase. I didn’t even recall still having it.

It’s one of those synchronistic moments when it seems like the universe is trying to get my attention. So I sat down amidst boxes and packing tape and spent a few minutes with Hugh. Here’s one of the reflections that the book opened to almost immediately:

Emotions are a by-product of some thought we’ve grabbed hold of. I don’t care whether it’s anger, ennui, fear or whiny self-pity — the emotion is manufactured and packaged by the thought. Loosen the grip on the thought, and the emotion will begin to evaporate.

That quote got my attention because that’s part of what I help people do: Loosen their grip on thoughts that are getting them locked in a place they don’t really want to be.

What thoughts should you loosen? Maybe this month’s newsletter will offer some ideas. And there’s always Hugh Prather.

In this issue:

• Featured article from the archives
• Conflict zen now offers mobile edition
• Good reads
• Featured testimonial
• Digest of past month’s articles

Featured article from the archives

With the warmest part of the summer closing in here in the U.S., it seems fitting to feature an article that’s all about cooling off…cooling off the heat of an escalated conflict.

5 Simple Ways to Keep Your Cool in Conflict
 
People show their frustration and anger in different ways. Some shout. Some sweat. Some grow deadly silent. Some cry. Some become biting with their words. Regardless of how your anger manifests during conflict situations, there are some tried and true ways to de-escalate things for yourself. Here are a few simple ways to manage your anger:
 
1. Take a Brain Break
 
Take a minimum of 20 minutes to allow the emotional flooding to reside. The key here is to do something else. Don’t use the break to keep replaying the conflict conversation in your head, as that usually just increases the heat. Go for a walk and think about your weekend plans. Do the crossword puzzle in your daily paper. Pick something that makes your brain think about anything other than the conflict situation.

Read on at 5 simple ways to keep your cool in conflict.

Good reads

I enjoyed and appreciated these articles from around the web and thought you might, too:

• 5 signs you’ve married your problems (and how to divorce them)
• 15 tips for becoming as patient as Job
• 50 remarkable nature wallpapers (these are so beautiful, they’ll transport you just by looking at them)

Featured testimonial

“You provided an environment that made it feel safe to take risks, to explore difficult subjects and emotions. Normally, my displays of emotion in public would have left me with a deep sense of embarrassment which would then have lead to internalizing negative self-talk and obsessing about my failures. Instead…I can look back on it as a learning experience which leads to self-awareness, positive self-talk and focusing on my successes.” — Donnamarie Carey

Digest of Conflict Zen® articles from the last month

If you didn’t catch them the first time around, here’s a digest of the past month’s posts:

• 7 simple hacks guaranteed to improve your meetings
• 4th of july declaration of interdependence
• 7 phrases you can’t say in conflict resolution
• A father, a son, a story of fury and forgiveness

I’m off to Montpelier, Vermont this week to teach a 3½ day Basic Mediation workshop to folks from around the country. If there’s a conflict management workshop you’d like in your community or for your organization, I’d love to chat with you about it.