simply better ways to negotiate and resolve conflict

Conflict and blogging: 3 posts that unleashed onslaughts

Ten years of blogging has been one of the most fun rides of my professional life and created opportunities to meet and work with fine folks from all over the world. But every now and then, I’ve stepped into a quagmire.

For the next installment of my 10-year blogiversary celebration I’m going to share three posts that created a barrage of emails at the time they were written, and in one case, continue to prompt emails that generally start with something like, “Tsk tsk…

The Shamu Maneuver Causes a Stir

Tammy’s note: Most of the comments from this post and its predecessor were lost in a long-ago transition to new servers, but I’ve never forgotten the hundreds of emails this topic generated. It really took me by surprise. But I am very proud that, even six years later, I still rank #1 in Google search for the phrase “shamu maneuver.” Who’d have thunk it? ;)

Earlier in the summer the New York Times Sunday magazine featured a story that ultimately proved so popular that it was emailed around the globe and became the fodder of many a blogger. I blogged about it too, after my husband emailed a copy of the article along with the note, “Now that one woman has revealed this tactic, husbands everywhere will be free from the ‘Shamu maneuver’.” If you know Rod, then you know he wrote this with a chuckle.

The New York Times article, What Shamu Taught Me about a Happy Marriage, chronicles the author’s visit to exotic animal trainers as part of research for a book she was writing… read on

The 10 Best Ways to Win an Argument

Tammy’s note: I wrote this one for a blogging contest and had the good fortune to win the $500 first prize and find hundreds of new readers as a result of the links. Then the post got picked up for both the American and British editions of a textbook. I just recently found out it will be included in the Chinese edition later this year. I still get 3-4 emails or so a month, most of them chiding me for such poor advice! Perhaps I need to do a better job conveying irony.

I’ve been a mediator and conflict management coach for a long time. After watching lots of people fight, I think I’m pretty well informed about the most successful argument-winning tactics. Next time you argue with a loved one, try any or all of these:

1. Call them names. Particularly those that start with A, B, C and F. This approach gives you a sense of moral superiority and will help guarantee that they start acting badly in their outrage.

2. Point out their deficits. Maybe it’s their lack of intelligence, always a winning choice. Or their unattractiveness. Or whatever deficit you just know will most aggravate or hurt them. After all, this is a person you say you love. Isn’t all fair in love and war?… read on

He Was So Mild Mannered…

Tammy’s note: After I wrote this post and a right-wing blogger took me to task for it, I received such an onslaught of emails from his cronies that my email was clogged for weeks. It’s the only time in 10 years that I’ve received such a firestorm of nastiness. I still find it interesting that he never took me up on the offer I made in the article comments.

I’ve been staring at this post for several hours, trying to decide whether or not to put it up for your reading. Since you’re seeing this, you know my decision. I’ve been hesitating because the rawness of the most recent school shooting still hovers in the air. The horror and sadness are palpable, not just for those in Lancaster County, PA, but for a nation that’s beginning to comprehend that vengeance, bullying, and social disaffection are having violent consequences beyond what we can ever control with school resource officers and metal detectors.

I’ve been hesitating because I know that what I wrote below will be uncomfortable for some of you. Maybe even make you angry. I don’t usually hesitate to speak my truth but find myself doing so this time, as I search for the right words to convey myself in a way that can reach your heart before resistance sets in.

read on

Remember, there are prizes too as part of my blogiversary celebration you get entered every time you comment or share one of my posts on your own blog or favorite social media site during the month of January 2012!

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