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Charms, demons in caves, and the mediator’s art of not knowing

charms

LOOK, typed the young woman, THE CHARMS JUST DISAPPEARED? OK? THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO SAY!

I stared at the capital letters, wondering if she normally typed with caps lock on or if she was yelling toward me in frustration. It was the late 1990s and I was one of a handful of mediators chosen to test a new online mediation platform for eBay. Online dispute resolution, or ODR, was in its infancy and we were learning and providing feedback on the software and experience as we went. The disputants were located all over the world — wherever eBay purchases and sales could be made — and I sat in my NH office mediating for them via the ‘net.

The current case involved some apparently missing charms. The young woman was responding to the question I’d sent her: I don’t understand, can you say more? What do you mean when you say you don’t have the charms you paid for? Did they just fall off or something?

Pondering the all-caps response, I typed, I’m clearly missing something here. They just disappeared? I don’t get it yet, please tell me more.

Several hours later came her next reply: ARE YOU AN IDIOT? LOOK, I WENT TO THE CAVES, I FOUGHT THE DEMONS, I LOST POWER, SO I BOUGHT THE CHARMS SO I’D HAVE POWER AGAIN AND THEN THEY JUST DISAPPEARED. SHE SCAMMED ME AND I WANT MY MONEY BACK. COMPRENDE?

And you are still fighting the demons, apparently, I thought to myself, throwing my hands into the air, simultaneously acting out my despair and supplicating the heavens for aid.

Then it hit me. We’re not talking about charms for a charm bracelet, I typed, dating myself. We’re talking charms for an online fantasy game? Not physical charms but digital ones?

DUH! she wrote back almost instantly.

So easy to judge, so seductive to diagnose, so tantalizing to think we’re the ones with the right understanding of the story. And, as a result, so easy to miss the real story unless we give ourselves permission not to know and be open to what we’re missing.

Photo credit: marragem

About the author

Dr. Tammy Lenski helps individuals and organizations resolve conflict more simply and stay calm in conflict.

  • deepdowndog

    Love it, Tammy. I was all over the place trying to figure out what she was saying, too. Sometimes it is best to just keep asking the questions and not try to figure it out until the lightbulb goes off?

    • http://lenski.com/conflictzen/ Tammy Lenski

      Diane, yes, I like curiosity-based questions…and lots of silence to allow space for thinking and answering. Thanks for commenting!

  • http://www.judyringer.com Judy Ringer

    So cool. Great story about our stories! As always, Tammy. Thanks!

    • http://lenski.com/conflictzen/ Tammy Lenski

      Thanks, Judy. Always lovely to hear from you. I just recommended you as a future speaker to the spirituality section of the Association for Conflict Resolution…I spoke this year at their annual Rocky Mountain Retreat and know you'd be a hit there.

  • PeopleSense Consulti

    This is really funny — and serious — all at the same time. I love it. We have to keep digging to get the full picture, don't we? What a great story to illustrate that!

    • http://lenski.com/conflictzen/ Tammy Lenski

      That pretty much captures part of my daily life in conflict resolution, Robin – serious and light in turns or at the same time! Maybe that's a reason I love this work so much.

  • http://www.gwarlingo.com Michelle Aldredge

    I love this article, Tammy! It reminds me of that book that came out a few years ago about doctors and how their false assumptions often lead them to make bad diagnoses.

    Great stuff. (Or should I say, GREAT STUFF!).

  • http://www.riverhouseepress.com Ron Kraybill

    Now THAT'S a GREAT story! And well told!

    • http://lenski.com/conflictzen/ Tammy Lenski

      Thanks, Ron. I love stories (as you can no doubt tell)…guess that hails back to my undergraduate degree in world literature. Who knew how it would carry into my future work?!

  • Dhyana

    Hi Tammy,

    Wanted to share that only hours after reading your latest “Conflict Zen” my son (who is a college freshman) tweeted “got 3 movies for 20 bucks at the bookstore — best deal in there” — I couldn’t stop myself (working on this J) from sending him a facebook private message that said “Pleeeez tell me you didn’t spend $20 on 3 movies…” what followed was a back and forth –him being defensive and me trying to withdraw my nose from where it didn’t belong — You see — I thought he “rented” the movies (yeow, I knew things cost more in NY but didn’t think that much more) BUT as it turns out — he literally “bought” 3 dvds — which was, after all, a pretty good deal.

    The rest of the story is that I still wanted to say “Ok, great buy BUT you shouldn’t be spending your limited funds on MOVIES!” but thought better of it… not sure that is major progress but at least a step in the right direction — out of his business and back into my own (ie. turning it around — thank you Byron Katie — and seeing where I spend money on “great buys” that I really “shouldn’t” have…) Ahhh, lessons, lessons, everywhere…

    Thanks for the thought provoking emails…

    • http://lenski.com/conflictzen/ Tammy Lenski

      Dyhana, I LOVE this story of yours…how perfect! Thanks for the morning chuckle and a great example.