"Maybe he's got a body in there," mused my husband. I watched the man walking toward us, dragging something heavy behind him. Even from a long distance, it was easy to see he was burdened by the load. "Yep," said I, "maybe so." We were walking our dogs on one of the local rail trails and as the distance between us and the man lessened, we began to make up a story about him and the body inside what now appeared to be a large rolling suitcase. Perfect for body moving, we agreed, warming to … [Read more...]
I’ve cried a river: Rooster conflict teaches resolution lesson
13 December 2011
Cindy June of Milton, New York, had a problem on her hands: Her rooster, Farnsworth, was waking the neighbors. His crowing even exceeded the town noise ordinance's 55-decibel limit. The town building inspector, who took readings of Farnsworth's loud crows, said later, "This wasn't one occurrence. Many neighbors complained." The Milton Town Court ordered Farnsworth's vocal cords be removed, but bird specialists at Tufts and Cornell universities warned that such a procedure was too risky and … [Read more...]
Charms, demons in caves, and the mediator’s art of not knowing
15 November 2011
LOOK, typed the young woman, THE CHARMS JUST DISAPPEARED? OK? THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO SAY! I stared at the capital letters, wondering if she normally typed with caps lock on or if she was yelling toward me in frustration. It was the late 1990s and I was one of a handful of mediators chosen to test a new online mediation platform for eBay. Online dispute resolution, or ODR, was in its infancy and we were learning and providing feedback on the software and experience as we went. The disputants … [Read more...]
Conflict is a story
26 January 2011
Conflict is a story. It’s a story you tell yourself about what happened, how it happened, and why it happened. It’s a story you tell others as a way to seek comfort or understanding. “Don’t believe everything you think.”– source unknownIn most cases involving conflict, it’s a story you repeat. You think about it in the shower. You talk about it with a best friend. You ponder it on your lunchtime run. As you tell yourself this story over and over, themes emerge. Certain words, … [Read more...]
Be the bedouin: Spend more time understanding before problem solving
9 July 2010
A man walking in the desert approached a Bedouin. "How far to the nearest oasis?" he inquired. The Bedouin did not respond. "I said, how far is it to the nearest oasis?" the man asked, a bit more loudly this time and enunciating his words very carefully. The Bedouin still did not respond. The man shook his head in frustration, turned, and began to walk away. The Bedouin called out, "It will take you three hours!" The man spun around to face the Bedouin. "Couldn't you have told me that when I … [Read more...]
Take off your tarantula before the difficult conversation
6 September 2009
I once mediated a dispute with a large tarantula eyeing me the entire time from the shoulder of a participant. It was unsettling. As, I suppose, it was intended to be. The case was a dispute between three middle-aged siblings locked in combat over their father's will. The siblings had more than half a century of baggage between them, compounded by two years of litigation since dad died, and I was asked by their attorneys to get the matter resolved before lunch. Two of the siblings … [Read more...]
