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Conflict resolution and negotiation stories

I love the power of story for conveying ideas in a memorable way. Here are conflict resolution and negotiation stories I've shared on the blog so far.

Your conflict resolution magic wand

Knowing your conflict hooks and how to handle them is like having a conflict resolution magic wand: You have portable power to turn the little conflicts into nothing and the bigger conflicts into manageable ones. We had just moved from the Burlington, Vermont area to a small town in New Hampshire. The move had been a whirlwind, our Vermont house selling in a matter of days, far faster than we anticipated, and resulting in a new house purchased in a day, a moving van scheduled in a narrow … [Read more...]

Conflict pain and the dog beneath the desk

A friend was sitting at her desk, her beloved lab at her feet. Suddenly, the dog yelped and looked up at her. This happened several more times, the dog's gaze becoming increasingly more accusatory. Finally, he got up and left the room. Later, she learned the dog had a pinched nerve in his neck. She wondered aloud to the vet about the dog repeatedly looking up at her each time he felt a jolt of pain. Was he asking for help? No, thought the vet, he was looking for the source of the pain and you … [Read more...]

The problem with should

We had just arrived in San Francisco and were driving toward the Golden Gate Bridge, heading along the coast and then to the beach for a stroll on that gorgeous, warm January day. It came up that I had never seen the city of San Francisco. One of my friends said, "Oh! We have to detour and take you in to see the city!" It was a lovely gesture, to detour on my behalf. "That's ok," I replied, "I'm happy to skip the city and go on to Stinson Beach for a walk." My other friend said, "You … [Read more...]

The dog on the elevator

When you have a problem with another person, where does that problem live? Does it live in them because they're difficult? Or does it live in "the between," the space between you? In one of my recent corporate trainings, several people in the room were skeptical that the problem lives in "the between," invested in the idea that the people who vexed them are simply "difficult people." Michael raised his hand and told this story: A man gets on the elevator with his dog. At the next floor, … [Read more...]

Conflict behavior change without the fallout

“You’re ruining my life,” said Jay. Jay was a student in my Interpersonal Conflict graduate class, where students are invited to consider their unique strengths in resolving conflict and decide how to change conflict behavior that could be better. I designed the course in 1999 and have taught it countless times since in several grad programs around the country. It later spawned one- and two-day trainings for individuals and organizations. Jay went on, “I’m trying to do this … [Read more...]

Putting out fires

I was asked recently how long I've been "putting out fires." For quite a while, it turns out. When I was little I became an official Junior Forest Ranger, one of hundreds of thousands of children recruited by Smokey the Bear. (I know, I know, his correct name is Smokey Bear but I grew up when it was popular to add "the" and taking it back out of his name just makes it sound wrong to me.) My little Golden children's book had a drawing of tiny Smokey clinging to a charred tree, his feet … [Read more...]

How to start a negotiation or mediation like a pro (and an artist)

My mediator friend N knows how to start a negotiation or mediation like no one else. His approach works equally well when you're mediating someone else's conflict as when you're in a negotiation of your own. He once had a mediation between two men who were not talking to one another. I have no idea what caused the rift or brought them to mediation, but they came in and sat down facing away from each other, arms folded across their chests. "I’m here and I’ll talk to you," said one of … [Read more...]

Are you a virgin? and other questions to avoid

Are you a virgin? asked Sugar. It was my first day of fifth grade at a new school near Philadelphia. I've never forgotten Sugar's name because I had never met a Sugar before and because she was very, very hip...long straight blonde hair parted in the middle, a beaded headband, bell bottom jeans and a fringed, beaded belt. A flower child clearly out of my fifth-grade, fresh-from-rural-upstate-New-York league. I don't recall where the teacher was at that moment, but Sugar had the stage and … [Read more...]

The body in the suitcase and the conflict stories we tell

"Maybe he's got a body in there," mused my husband. I watched the man walking toward us, dragging something heavy behind him. Even from a long distance, it was easy to see he was burdened by the load. "Yep," said I, "maybe so." We were walking our dogs on one of the local rail trails and as the distance between us and the man lessened, we began to make up a story about him and the body inside what now appeared to be a large rolling suitcase. Perfect for body moving, we agreed, warming to … [Read more...]

I’ve cried a river: Rooster conflict teaches resolution lesson

Cindy June of Milton, New York, had a problem on her hands: Her rooster, Farnsworth, was waking the neighbors. His crowing even exceeded the town noise ordinance's 55-decibel limit. The town building inspector, who took readings of Farnsworth's loud crows, said later, "This wasn't one occurrence. Many neighbors complained." The Milton Town Court ordered Farnsworth's vocal cords be removed, but bird specialists at Tufts and Cornell universities warned that such a procedure was too risky and … [Read more...]