I created this poster as a handout for a conflict resolution workshop I'm teaching this week. I thought you might enjoy it, too. Click on the image below to get the downloadable PDF...feel free to share, print, post it on the fridge. … [Read more...]
Don’t take it personally. Really?
It's so simple to advise, "Don't take it personally." And yet, too often, it's utterly useless advice to someone in conflict. There's something else they have to do first, before they can hope to stop taking it personally: They have to take it more personally. It's a meritorious goal, not to take it personally. Yes, it is. When we can pull it off we do our mamas proud. Don Miguel Ángel Ruiz was right when he said, "Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What … [Read more...]
The reward of our work is who we become
"The reward of our work is not what we get, but what we become," says Brazilian author Paolo Coehlo. He may have intended those words to speak to the writer, but they also speak to other work...to my work and probably to your work. The reward of great conflict resolution and successful negotiation isn't just what we get from it -- our peace of mind, an acceptable path forward, a decision well made, a stronger personal or professional relationship -- it's who we become by the way we do … [Read more...]
Control anger during conflict like a fly on the wall
Trying to control anger by focusing on angry thoughts and hurt feelings is like fanning the flames. It's far more effective to pretend you're a fly on the wall of a situation, new research confirms. In situations that trigger anger, you probably tend to focus on your anger and hurt, trying to understand it, get the other person to see what they've done, perhaps even wallowing in it a bit, self-righteously. You allow yourself to be immersed in it. But it's a trap: This "self-immersive" … [Read more...]
5 effective ways to focus on what’s important in relationship conflict
How do you decide how much of a relationship conflict's flotsam is worth pursuing? How do you focus on the important matters in a relationship conflict and not get sidetracked by trivial ones? Janet, a reader, contacted me about my recent post, Starting a Difficult Conversation. She asked, I’m thinking about how sometimes a relationship is like Fibber McGee and Molly’s where the closet never does get cleaned out – and every time you try to have a productive conversation, the door gets … [Read more...]
Parental conflict linked to infant brain function
Being exposed to arguments between parents is associated with the way babies' brains process emotional tone of voice, according to a new study to be published in Psychological Science. "The researchers found that infants from high conflict homes showed greater reactivity to very angry tone of voice in brain areas linked to stress and emotion regulation, such as the anterior cingulate cortex, caudate, thalamus, and hypothalamus. Previous research with animals has shown that these brain areas … [Read more...]
Starting a difficult conversation
Starting a difficult conversation (or negotiation or mediation) can feel like opening Fibber McGee's closet -- chaotic, overwhelming, and hope-sucking. But don't run. A colleague shared the closet metaphor with me years ago and I've passed it along to countless others since. The messy, over-filled hall closet was a running gag on the 1930s-1950s radio show. Chaos ensued whenever someone opened the closet door and the contents spilled out (click here to listen to the closet door being … [Read more...]
