the conflict zen® blogsubscribe

Control anger during conflict like a fly on the wall

Trying to control anger by focusing on angry thoughts and hurt feelings is like fanning the flames. It's far more effective to pretend you're a fly on the wall of a situation, new research confirms. In situations that trigger anger, you probably tend to focus on your anger and hurt, trying to understand it, get the other person to see what they've done, perhaps even wallowing in it a bit, self-righteously. You allow yourself to be immersed in it. But it's a trap: This "self-immersive" … [Read more...]

Your conflict resolution magic wand

Knowing your conflict hooks and how to handle them is like having a conflict resolution magic wand: You have portable power to turn the little conflicts into nothing and the bigger conflicts into manageable ones. We had just moved from the Burlington, Vermont area to a small town in New Hampshire. The move had been a whirlwind, our Vermont house selling in a matter of days, far faster than we anticipated, and resulting in a new house purchased in a day, a moving van scheduled in a narrow … [Read more...]

Conflict pain and the dog beneath the desk

A friend was sitting at her desk, her beloved lab at her feet. Suddenly, the dog yelped and looked up at her. This happened several more times, the dog's gaze becoming increasingly more accusatory. Finally, he got up and left the room. Later, she learned the dog had a pinched nerve in his neck. She wondered aloud to the vet about the dog repeatedly looking up at her each time he felt a jolt of pain. Was he asking for help? No, thought the vet, he was looking for the source of the pain and you … [Read more...]

5 effective ways to focus on what’s important in relationship conflict

How do you decide how much of a relationship conflict's flotsam is worth pursuing? How do you focus on the important matters in a relationship conflict and not get sidetracked by trivial ones? Janet, a reader, contacted me about my recent post, Starting a Difficult Conversation. She asked, I’m thinking about how sometimes a relationship is like Fibber McGee and Molly’s where the closet never does get cleaned out – and every time you try to have a productive conversation, the door gets … [Read more...]

Parental conflict linked to infant brain function

Being exposed to arguments between parents is associated with the way babies' brains process emotional tone of voice, according to a new study to be published in Psychological Science. "The researchers found that infants from high conflict homes showed greater reactivity to very angry tone of voice in brain areas linked to stress and emotion regulation, such as the anterior cingulate cortex, caudate, thalamus, and hypothalamus. Previous research with animals has shown that these brain areas … [Read more...]

Starting a difficult conversation

Starting a difficult conversation (or negotiation or mediation) can feel like opening Fibber McGee's closet -- chaotic, overwhelming, and hope-sucking. But don't run. A colleague shared the closet metaphor with me years ago and I've passed it along to countless others since. The messy, over-filled hall closet was a running gag on the 1930s-1950s radio show. Chaos ensued whenever someone opened the closet door and the contents spilled out (click here to listen to the closet door being … [Read more...]

You’re invited…

Google Reader is shutting down (details here). If you follow my posts with Reader, you won't receive anything from me anymore and I'd be sad about that (sniffle sniffle). To continue receiving posts from me, you can: Try one of the Google Reader alternatives like feedly (I'm liking feedly so far). Sign up to get my posts by email. Let's stay in touch, ok? … [Read more...]

Special topics mediation training in Arkansas

I'll be in Fayetteville and Little Rock, Arkansas in April to teach full-day special topics seminars for the Arkansas Conflict Resolution Association. If you're a mediator in the region, I'd love to meet you in person at one of these two mediation training seminars! Both seminars have already been approved for Arkansas CLE/CME credits (including ethics), you can attend even if you're not an ACRA member, and earlybird registration rates are good for a few more days. Both mediation training … [Read more...]

Stress changes how people make decisions

People under stress start paying more attention to positive information and discounting negative information associated with the decision, say researchers. Important implications for negotiation and mediation, if the outcome desired is hoped to stand the test of time. … [Read more...]

A loving letter to my mediation clients

My friend, There are some things I want to say about mediation with me, things I hope you'll ponder before we gather, things I hope can guide you as we talk. I may mention them a time or two during our time together. Mediation is about learning. It's about learning something you didn't understand before, something that may have been hidden by the frustration between you. It's about learning what matters so deeply to the other person that unless you address it, you will remain stuck. It's … [Read more...]